Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2015 - the end of a beginning and the beginning of an end.

If there is any one year in the 50 years I have lived on this earth that really gave me a tight slap, it is 2014.

Even before it began, the word transformation was bandied around at all levels of my existence. The government was flashing it, And, at work, my employer was hammering into my mind that "we are to become a bank! we are to become a bank!" Unfortunately, the core banking system software that was supposed to be the foundation of our transformation was full of bugs. Not only that, the change to something new was rushed that the people never thoroughly understood the new system; none of us really owned the new system. Disaster after disaster befall us. Somebody must take the blame, and the head of ICT, a man who served our employer for three decades, decided he needed to retire early.

Later, with no one else to blame, I came into focus as the person-in-charge of... everything. Come July, the time for paying dividends, a task I handled for the last eight years, became the very thing that my whole career was judged upon. A misunderstanding, that was all it was, but, I was asked to leave (as in resign) in front of my colleagues. This one incident became the basis of my mid year performance review.

Never mind.... I apologised. Relationship was severed for awhile. Time heals all, they say. And, in November, I was called to give ideas and opinions again....

I wanted to resign at the time the incident happened in July. And, I still do. But, a new employment is no more than a pipe dream. Who will hire a 50 year old accountant. So, I decided that I will have to find an alternative source of income and retire from this rat race.

Not exactly an epiphany. It was something I figured out a long time ago, but procrastinated upon it until 2014 slap me in the face.

I still do not know what to do to generate the alternative income. But, I am determined to not be employed by the end of 2015.

But, 2015 promises only more transitional phases. The government will implement GST. Which means we need to enhance the system that we are still grappling with. The governing body say they will give us the permission to open our doors to non-members. Meaning, we now will compete with other banks, something we never had any experience with.

In terms of national economy, unmentioned amounts have been spent to look for our missing plane, and to get the remains of our citizens shot down my the Russians. Then, more funds will be required  to rebuild flood hit states, worst ever in memory. And, our revenue from oil and gas, is reduced dramatically.

Looks like another exiting year ahead. Allah save me..... Us,,,, Amen.

Friday, August 15, 2014

It's good to be uncomfortable

Like the proverbial toad in the pot of water, I have been wallowing in comfort not realising the water is simmering to a boil. Or, maybe I felt the heat but I just don't want to venture into the cold hard world out there. And, against my best judgement, I accumulated debts when I am at the point of my life where I should have accumulated wealth.

The past cannot be undone. Life must go on. Pride must be swallowed. I have plans which was put on hold because I thought I was under this snug blanket of security. In hind sight, I know nothing lasts forever, but I just want to stay in bed for a few more minutes..... So I put the alarm on snooze. Never will the maxim you snooze you lose, be truer.... For me at least. 

Now that I suddenly find myself a persona non grata, my mind has come up with brilliant ideas. Unfortunately, all of them need incubation, a gestation period.

And, I am afraid, while incubating and gestating, I may start feeling comfortable again, fall asleep, and hit that snooze button again to silent that annoying alarm....

Monday, August 4, 2014


Everything you have done up to today counts for nothing. In one fell swoop, in a moment of rage, or extreme disappointment, words were uttered with intention to hurt, and everything changes. Outlook of your career, the perspective of your remaining life, your expectations... all changed in a moment of emotional outburst. Moving forward, you apologise even when you know the other parties is in error just as you were, but the relationship can never really be the same ever again. There is a strain, and uneasiness, because you are subordinated to the other party. You are expected to apologise. You are expected to come and bow your head in "shame" of what "you did". There is a smouldering rage, the feeling of injustice, will stoke that little amber within your heart, keeping it alight, even when you try to convince yourself that it not your fault, that the other party is the loser, and that you are the bigger person....

I will not succumb to a victim's mentality. I will continue on with my life. I will discharge my duties as I have done so far. I think I have done very well.

One is for sure, I can't stay. There is nothing more for me to do here.

Monday, June 16, 2014


I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Monday, April 7, 2014

Yearning for the unfamiliar

The minute I reach my office, I start counting the hours before I can go home again. What is wrong with me? There are 8 things on my to do list, but none of it I can work on. Each one of them has to wait something else to happen before I can make progress on these things. Maybe I am too efficient. Whatever it is, I am bored. And I feel guilty. I am not doing much, yet there's so much to be done.

Some people tell me that work is also "ibadah". I agree. But, I just want to do something else. It is perhaps my short span of attention. 8 years is the longest I ever worked under one employer and by the end of this month I will have equalled this milestone.

I just need a change. There's nothing wrong in this place. Whatever issues I have encountered so far, I have been in similar situations, in varied versions, at my previous places of employment. Sometimes you get tense due to the workload, sometimes you get bogged down by people's behaviours and attitudes.

Sometimes, while being stuck in traffic jam along the highway, I would look at a shady path that diverged off in to the unknown, I wonder what lies beyond. Sometime's I wish I am bold enough to just flick my signal-lights an turn off into the unknown road and get lost....

I trudged along this path long enough. I want to explore the next turnoff....

Wonder where that will lead me?