Monday, June 6, 2016

A letter from my mother


Today, on the first day of Ramadhan in the 52nd year of my life, while I was rummaging through some old stuff, I came across a letter written to me by my mother, folded and enveloped into a prescription drug package.

My mother taught herself to write in Rumi, so some words are quite difficult to figure out. She was probably more comfortable writing in Jawi, but she knew her son is useless at reading it.

The letter was not dated, but I would say it was written circa 1985, the year that I dropped out of UTM. The letter was an angry letter, as angry as my dearest mother would be. I cannot remember the occasion that warranted such letter, but I think I must have said something that hurt her.

She wrote that I should have told her or father (unlikely) or my brothers and sisters that I am having difficulties in my studies. She wrote that I have ostracized myself from my family, and she understood that I did this because I do not want to be any more a burden to my parents and my siblings.

This is where her anger showed. The words she used was "konon-kononya tidak mahu menyusahkan sesiapa". It hurt me then, and it still affects me today.

I hope and pray that Mother will forgive me. I was young and stupid and I was apt to blame others for my own failures. I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life. And, being a small town boy, given so much money (from my scholarship) and freedom in the big city of Kuala Lumpur, I forgot what I was there really for.

No, I did not spent my money on women and drugs, but, I converted a lot of it into tokens to play video games. It was unfortunate for me that the UTM campus at Jalan Gurney was just a bus ride away from Ampang Park, where on its roof top, was heaven to video game addict such as I. I became so good that my initials SBJ would be in the top ten of almost all the games there.

Alas, it was a lesson too late for the learning....

I don't know why Allah make me find this letter, on the first day of  this blessed month. Maybe, I have strayed from the path. Maybe I have become complacent. Or, maybe, this will be my last Ramadhan.

Alhamdulillah. I am forever grateful to You, ya Allah.... thank you for thinking of me.

I definitely, do not deserve it....

 "Ya Allah, forgive my parents, and show them love as they have shown me love while I was small.... Amin."