Of late I have been feeling tired.
Walking up the stairs, up the incline towards my MIS class, I wished I was at home planning the a day out with my kids. Hanging out at the mall, or go see a movie. Haven't done that for quite sometime. And, soon, they won't want to do that anymore. Soon, and the signs are already showing, it's no longer cool to hang out with your family members.
Going up to the 5th floor in the ancient lift I told my good friend Sukman that I'm running out of steam. No stamina. He just smiled.
The prospect of another semester to go, and to come up with a research paper within the next 9 months or so, brings out a sigh out of me. I'm too old for this.
But, I have committed myself, and I will see this through. But, it's not just the MBA program. It's everything else, too. It's my work, too.
Maybe I'm just going through the low point of my life cycle. It's that point in your life when you started to reflect on your life and compare it to those who've made it and suddenly realize how much you could have achieved. It's a cycle, and tomorrow or next week or next month I'll be happy again with the smallest of achievements and thank God for my pathetic existence.
For now, I am in this pensive mode, where, more often that not, I find myself staring out into space, contemplating the past and having no hope for the future..... because all I see is more of the same of what I am doing today.
Right now, I just want to lay in a hammock, near a beach somewhere, under a shady tree, looking out to sea. That's it. Just idle away while the world revolves around the sun.
Nothing.... I want to do NOTHING!!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
|Heart's Desire by Safia El-Shams|
My office mates said that he wasn't always like that. He used to help his mother at her food stall somewhere in the area. He started wandering up and down the this street after his mother died. He has no brothers or sisters, his father ran out on them a long time ago.... so now he has no one... nobody to tell him what to do.
There are days when he would totally ignore me. Walks past me, like we never met before, when just a few hours ago he greeted like we were long lost friends.
I would not categorize him as "orang gila". He just lost some self-consciousness. He is not aware of how he smells or what people think of him. At least, that's what I thought. I had hypothesize that, crazy are people who have lost their self-consciousness at various degrees.
Today, he surprised me. As I was sitting in Haslam, he approached me and slapped my table lightly, sat down and in a low tone asked me something. It was noisy, with oldies music blaring from the radio near the cashier. But, what I could make out was that he was asking me the name of a girl. I said I don't know. And he mumbled on. Then, he touched me and asked me if the girls in this area can be flirted with..... How am I supposed to answer that. Do I look like a pimp? I just smile and turn back to continue reading my newspaper. He went on rambling for a while. Then, finally, he thanked me, like I've given him the best advice ever, and left. He did not ask for money, or bummed me for a cigarette, or asked me to buy him his usual teh-o ais.
He left the table.... and left me wondering what's that all about.....
Well, he maybe he doesn't care.... but, everybody has desires.