I have been in a melancholy mood. I have been unmotivated, wishing that I don't have to go to work.
Although, I try to be the type of parent that is practical and always encouraged my children to be independent and self-sufficient, I guess I've always wanted to be there for them.
Now, there is this realization that my eldest daughter, doesn't need me anymore. Sending her to college last Sunday, it suddenly occurred to me that she will, from now on, be spending more time away from us. This is what has put me in a pensive mood. And, in a couple of years, my eldest son will leave us and then my other daughter, then finally, my youngest son.
I look back at the last 17 years of raising her, I wish I had been a better parent. I wish I was had shown more patience and compassion rather than anger and edginess. I wish I had shown more composure than agitation. Maybe, that is why I find it hard to let go. I have this feeling that I haven't done enough, that I must hang on to her to make right all those wrongs that I have shown her and her siblings. The wrongs that I can only hope will not have an impression on them.
But, this feeling of remorse and regret will be lost on them, as it was lost on me when I was growing up and fail to understand why my parents treated me like a child when I thought I was a man. There is no way to teach a child about parenthood, except by being parents. Maybe the techniques of raising a child can be read from books, but the pride that you feel when you see them happy and the sadness that strangles your heart when you see them disappointed, can never be put into words.
I will probably get used to this "empty-nest" syndrome. I will have to. Because, I predict by the end of 2013, only my youngest son will still be with us. My eldest son will have gone off to college and my second daughter seems intent to leave her present school and go to a boarding school.
Rummaging through my wallet today, I found baby pictures of all my children and tears welled in my eyes. I wish I was a better father, I wish I had given them more of my time. One part of me wants them to stay babies, and another part is so proud of what they've become.
I do know one thing.... I want to be with them forever...