Monday, March 28, 2011

Almost F**king Perfect

I realized last night that I had made a mistake.

I make mistakes all the time. But this is one of those that will cost me my goals for the year and perhaps, some embarrassments. I can't elaborate what it is.... not that, a million people will be reading this, but, it's too embarrassing. Although, I know what they'll say, if I tell them...... "That only, ahh? Not the end of the world, meh?"

It's no big deal when I think about it and look at it from their point of view. That's the problem, I don't want to see it from their point of view... I want them to see it from MY point of view. Only then will they see the magnitude of the deal!!

Then again, what am I expecting? A pat on the back, and a sympathetic "it's going to be alright"? It's such a huge thing for me that nothing that can be said or done will take away this burden weighing heavy on my heart.

The hope that I place upon this endeavor, and then the the realization that the outcome is less than my expectation, is like a black storm cloud descending upon upon me. I need to break something, scream out loud, punch the wall.... But, I can't because it will just make people stay away from me.

So I have to bear the pain... and the anticipation of embarrassments that I, no doubt, will have to endure...and suffer alone... Because no matter how much I whine about it, and no matter how genuinely caring the person I pour my heart to will be... I will still think that nobody cares.

Nobody's perfect...

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