Almost F**king Perfect

I realized last night that I had made a mistake.

I make mistakes all the time. But this is one of those that will cost me my goals for the year and perhaps, some embarrassments. I can't elaborate what it is.... not that, a million people will be reading this, but, it's too embarrassing. Although, I know what they'll say, if I tell them...... "That only, ahh? Not the end of the world, meh?"

It's no big deal when I think about it and look at it from their point of view. That's the problem, I don't want to see it from their point of view... I want them to see it from MY point of view. Only then will they see the magnitude of the deal!!

Then again, what am I expecting? A pat on the back, and a sympathetic "it's going to be alright"? It's such a huge thing for me that nothing that can be said or done will take away this burden weighing heavy on my heart.

The hope that I place upon this endeavor, and then the the realization that the outcome is less than my expectation, is like a black storm cloud descending upon upon me. I need to break something, scream out loud, punch the wall.... But, I can't because it will just make people stay away from me.

So I have to bear the pain... and the anticipation of embarrassments that I, no doubt, will have to endure...and suffer alone... Because no matter how much I whine about it, and no matter how genuinely caring the person I pour my heart to will be... I will still think that nobody cares.

Nobody's perfect...

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A letter from my mother

Today, on the first day of Ramadhan in the 52nd year of my life, while I was rummaging through some old stuff, I came across a letter written to me by my mother, folded and enveloped into a prescription drug package. My mother taught herself to write in Rumi, so some words are quite difficult to figure out. She was probably more comfortable writing in Jawi, but she knew her son is useless at reading it. The letter was not dated, but I would say it was written circa 1985, the year that I dropped out of UTM. The letter was an angry letter, as angry as my dearest mother would be. I cannot remember the occasion that warranted such letter, but I think I must have said something that hurt her. She wrote that I should have told her or father (unlikely) or my brothers and sisters that I am having difficulties in my studies. She wrote that I have ostracized myself from my family, and she understood that I did this because I do not want to be any more a burden to my parents and my sibli...

An Ironic Epiphany

During a cigarette break, a colleague and I starred out at the city skyline. "What if somebody gave you five million. What would you do with it?" suddenly he asked. I looked at him but he continued to gaze at the jagged horizon. "I don't know. Maybe I'll buy some properties, rent them out....." I said. "That's it, isn't it... " he suddenly turned to me, excited. "That's what I told this stupid friend of mine, just take the money and buy real-estate and earn passive income.... What a jerk.." he trailed off. "Your friend has five million?" I asked. "No..... but, his girlfriend was willing to give it to him, and he refused..." "Why? What's wrong with the guy?" "He's married... happily married.. but this girl at his workplace, the daughter of the bloody filthy rich boss, is crazy for him. She's willing to be his 2nd wife... But, this idiot friend of mine, he refused. I...

The road to hell is paved with good intents....

Once there was a man who all his life have nothing but good intentions. But, everybody in his village said that he was the devil. He robbed and maimed. He killed and destroyed. When he was caught and brought to justice, his defense was that he was only trying to feed his family. When he was growing up, he was not good at school. The teachers all say he was hopeless, his father thought he was an embarrassment, his siblings thought he was a burden, society keep reminding him that the world would be a better place if he wasn't in it. Only his mother saw him differently. Only his mother loved him because he was her son.... and for no other reason. And later, he met the woman of his dreams and married her and had beautiful children and he vowed that they will never ever go through life as he did. He swore on his life, that he will do anything to ensure his children go the best schools, eat the best foods, wear the best clothes, grow up to have the best jobs, to be whatever they as...

Life's Remains....

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