Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Memory Full...


The arrow of time can only move in one direction. Forward. That is the law of the universe... the law of God. What this means is just that we only have memories of the past, and we can't see the future. And (it is theorised) that even if one has gone to the future, and come back to the past, he will not have any memories of the future he's gone to. So all we have in our minds are things that has happened in the past.

I am trying to think of things that happened in my life, and the more I think, the more I realised that, I seemed to have forgotten of so many things in my past. This happens all the time, (especially during Eidul Fitri), when the conversation, inevitably, steered itself to comparisons of then and now. More often than not, I am surprised that some people remember things about me or what I said or do that I have no memory of. And it amazes me that some will remember every detail of a certain long gone event like it only happened yesterday. Once, I showed an old picture to Din (my cousin, my brother, my friend) and he recalled almost everything that transpired that day, why we took the picture, who took the picture, what we do after that... Amazing.

I have memories of smells, sights, feelings... of how it was, but I cannot recall specific things. I remember how it feels to be looking out the window of my father's house in Muar on hot afternoons, or the scent of the air just after it rained. Or, mesmerised by the multitude of ripples in puddles of water that formed every time it rained on the field between our house and Mak Uteh's house. I remember the smell of mother, the scent of "bunga cempaka", I think, which grew in our front yard, which she liked to put in her hair. I remember how frightened was I when I awoke in the middle of the night, when there was only silence but the ringing sound in my head, and I remember the warmth and security of my mother's embrace, when I whispered to her that I was scared. I remember the joy of waking up, and finding that my father and mother has come home from their trip and next to my pillow was a set of miniature cars.

I remember the sadness of evenings, when the school holidays are over. That feeling of anxiety when I just remembered that I have unfinished assignments that needed to be submitted on the first day of school. I remember the feeling of falling in love, or having a crush on a girl. Of the embarrassment of rejections, the joy of acceptance.

And in these memories, things seemed to be simple. We all seemed to be carefree. Living our lives just for the moment. Que sera sera... What will be, will be. And, many a times, as we reminisce, how we wished that we can go back to that time....

But we can't. We only live in the present. And, what we are today is the results of our decisions yesterday. Those decisions we made, are the building blocks upon which we stand today. The path we chose that led us to where we are now.

I for one, do not dwell too much in the past. I don't know why... maybe, it reminded me of those things I want to forget. Or maybe, it is my laziness that just do not want to bother with the things I cannot change. But, truth be told, it is those regrets that bother me most. Those times when I got caught in the moment and do or say stupid things which I thought were clever or cool at that time. Or, lies I told to save my skin, at the expense of others.... especially of those we love. Maybe I have too many of these kind of memories that leave a bitter taste in my mouth, which repulsed me from reminiscing about my past life. So, I tend to forget.....

It is always good to reminisce. But, memories are like dreams... we can't hold on to it.. we have no control over it.

We must not let it have control over us....


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