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Love and Marriage

Love and marriage, as the song goes, go together like horse and carriage. We all know that's not true. A horse, I would imagine, would prefer not being attached to anything.

For the Malay woman, however, she is expected to find a husband before she reaches the age of 30. Much less in the olden days, when she would have been labelled a spinster if she were still unmarried by the time she reached 21. Things have changed; more women are income earners, and some do it better than men.

However, the old aunts and uncles, as well as grand aunts and grand uncles, who spent most of their lives in the previous century, still ask the dreaded question, "When are you getting married?"

Why do we get married?

- It's sunnah, yes, but can a person not go to heaven if she or he does not ever get married?

- To have babies? Bundles of joy? All they do is cry and poop. You have to feed them, take them to the baby doctor once in a while (which is getting more and more expensive), find sitters for them, find a pram, a car seat, and buy diapers (disposable ones are not environmentally friendly, so we go back to cloth napkins, which you need to launder). They need to be educated (more money required)... a bundle of joy? Then, when they grow up, they become rebellious teens, expecting you to continue paying to keep them alive. Then they want to get married, and you end up paying for their wedding, only to have them go off to start a new life and leave you in an old folks' home.

- To have lifelong companionship? Probably, the best argument... to have a person to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, but do you have to be married to them? Dogs and cats make good companions, too. Some people have imaginary ones... they seem happy.

In the Malay culture, women, unjustly, suffer more than men when they are not married past 30. Yet, most of the time, I find unmarried women to be good, honest, reliable, highly intelligent and hardworking people. Perhaps, being smart is what puts men off. Not "gedik" enough, perhaps.

I do envy their single status. After working hard, meeting deadlines, and chasing KPIs, they would apply for leave to travel to some exotic places by themselves, enjoying the wonders of the earth and ticking off their bucket list. Nothing and no one to worry about.

The men, on the other hand, somehow seem to always be able to find a woman who will marry them. Some of them are just clerical staff who seem satisfied to be just that for the rest of their lives. Some marriages last, some don't. However, in Malay society, the shortcomings of men are tolerated more than the inability of women to meet the standards of their mother-in-law.

Fortunately, women are the stronger sex. They endure hardship and pain better than men. Perhaps because they are hopeful that no matter how bad things get, they will somehow improve. And for those who have assholes for husbands, they are confident that one day he will change... her love and patience, will one day make him realise what a jerk he has been.

It is said that men marry women expecting that they will stay as they are, while women marry men hoping they will change. Men imagine their wives will always be young and beautiful and subservient to them, and women hope that their men will one day see them as equals and not the "bidadari" of this earth. More often than not, both of them are left disappointed.

I am blessed with a lovely woman as my life companion, and I am very proud of our four offspring. But, if asked, would I do it all over again? Love and marriage should be a once-in-a-lifetime adventure... only once.

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