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Love and Marriage

Love and marriage, as the song goes, go together like horse and carriage. We all know that's not true. A horse, I would imagine, would prefer not being attached to anything.

For the Malay woman, however, she is expected to find a husband before she reaches 30. Much less in the olden days, when she would have been labeled a spinster if she was still unmarried by the time she reached 21. Things have changed, more women are income earners, some do it better than men.

But, the old aunties and uncles, and grand aunties and grand uncles, who lived most of their lives in the previous century, still ask the dreaded question, "When are you getting married?"

Why do we get married?

- It's sunnah, yes, but, can a person not go to heaven if she or he does not ever get married?

- To have babies? Bundles of joy? All they do is cry and poop. You have to feed them, take them to the baby doctor once in a while (which is getting more and more expensive), find sitters for them, find a pram, car seat, buy diapers (disposable ones are not environmental friendly, so we go back to cloth napkins which you need to launder), then they need to be educated (more money required)... a bundle of joy? Sure, then they grow up, become rebellious teens while expecting you to continue paying to keep them alive. Then THEY want to get married, and you end up paying for their wedding, then they go off to start a new life and put you in a old folks home.

- To have life long companionship? Probably, the best argument... to have a person to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, but, do you have to be married to them? Dogs and cats make good companions, too. Some people have imaginary one... they seem happy.

In the Malay culture, women, unjustly, suffers more than men, when they are not married past 30. Yet, most of the time, I find unmarried woman to be good, honest, reliable, highly intelligent and hardworking people. Perhaps, being intelligent is what put men off. Not "gedik" enough, perhaps.

I do envy their single status. After working hard meeting deadlines and chasing KPIs, they would apply for leave to go off to some exotic places by themselves to enjoy the wonders of this earth, ticking off their bucket list. Nothing and no one to worry about.

The men, on the other hand, some how, seem to always be able to find a woman who will marry them. Some of them are just clerical staff who seem satisfied to be just that for the rest of their lives. Some marriages last, some don't. But, in the Malay society, the shortcomings of the men are tolerated more than the inability of the women to meet the standards of the mother-in-law.

Fortunately, women are the stronger sex. They endure hardship and pain better than men. Maybe because they are hopeful, that no matter how bad things get, it will somehow get better. And for those who have assholes for husbands, they are hopeful that one day he will change... her love and patience, will one day make him realize what a jerk he has been.

It is said that men marry women expecting that they will be stay as they are, while women marry men hoping they will change. Men imagine their wives will always be young and beautiful and subservient to them, and women hope that their men will one day see them as equals and not the "bidadari" of this earth. More often than not, both of them are left disappointed.

I am blessed with a lovely woman as my life companion, and very proud of our four off-springs. But, if asked would I do it all over again? I say, love and marriage, should be a once in a life time adventure... only once.

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